So, as I was limping up the hill on my way home the other night, burping and slightly out of breath, I pondered my amazing array of attributes. Or perhaps one would say they are alarmingly aggravating ailments. Either way, they must be special. Because of, you know, all the A’s. I was really good at getting A’s in college. In between all that alcohol, of course. And now it’s still all A’s: Asthma, Acid and Atrophy.

Asthma has been bitch slapping me since its official arrival in 2003. Perhaps I am not so smart with the medical stuff… but I have yet to truly grasp my warning signs. I am rarely aware that I am in trouble until the elephant is sitting on my chest. I’m not a fan of the elephant. Or the asthma.

Then there’s Acid. Acid is a new… friend. A really bitchy friend. I’ve got some seriously bad acid reflux thing going on. It embarrasses me, as it seems like something only old people get. Since I am young and super awesome, this is obviously not the case. Right? Duh. This new… friend… requires daily prescription medicine. Do I manage to remember to do this daily? Of course not. However, too many days without the medicine, and I will throw up. Spontaneously. It’s not pretty. But I’m still young and awesome. Even when I’m spewing TMI.

And the latest feather in my cap of A’s: Atrophy. Don’t be jealous. Not everyone can be a straight A girl like me. After the Crushing of the Foot episode last March, which led to the Foot Debacle of 2010, I was finally diagnosed with soft tissue atrophy in my foot. Everything from fatty tissue to connective tissue to muscle is, you guessed it, atrophied. I cannot move all of my toes without trying really hard. My foot remains so bruised, even after 13 months, that even the shower water hurts it when it falls on my foot. And worst of all– although maybe not worse than the pain– my foot is ugly now. Atrophied skin looks like crepe paper. So, I’m young and awesome with the foot of a 90 year old. At least this A of mine is likely to get better. In like 30 months. Maybe when it’s better I can replace it with Anemia. Lord knows I’ll never be Anorexic.

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